I live in Illinois, once more, but I don't mind it. At least now I don't have to worry about not being able to make it "home" for the holidays, or missing so and so's birthday...

Yule was a few days ago, but I wasn't able to celebrate it sadly - I feel bad. I said a few blessings, sang a little and lit a candle but that's about all I could do while moving my things around.

Now all I need to do is find an apprenticeship for tattooing and piercing, and I'll be semi-set. (After I get my GED, of course.)

"You're the darkest burning star,
you're my perfect disease."

As I sit here in front of my laptop, I'm battling a storm of emotions that chip away slowly at what is left of my sanity (which I fear is very little.) I'm hanging precariously onto the edge of my own life that has begun to spiral out of control, beneath my own very fingertips I have lost the power to influence the direction my life is taking.

When I planned on moving to New York, I knew it would be tough to find a job and get my GED since I had to drop out of high school in order to move... But, I never knew that without someone here to help me and guide me it would be impossible. Of course, before I moved, I had my room mate reassure me that he would be capable of helping me in any way possible... Unfortunately, I've found that to be a lie.

Two days ago he was told that he was going to be laid off, as the economical conditions worsen where we live. This apartment only costs $400 a month, or so, and he can not control his money in any way possible. He spends it outright on whatever his heart desires, and unfortunately that leaves him with very little money at the end of the week.

Which means, unfortunate for my behalf, that I will be the one to get the sore bottom out of this crisis. I will more then likely be kicked out, and homeless, if he can not transfer to another branch of work within the company that he works in.

Why can't I get a job to support myself, you're asking? My room mate took out the land line to the apartment, so I have no New York phone number. I have an Illinois number on my cell phone, so whenever I put it down on applications it looks quite awkward. I've tried having my number changed, but the plans for AT&T/Cingular are different in New York. I would have to get a new plan entirely - which costs money.

Another reason I've had problems finding a job is the fact that I dropped out of high school. To my horror, GED classes cost money so I'm in an endless circle of being fucked over...

Oh; I have places I could move to and stay there... But again, it costs money to move. Money that I don't have, nor do I have the time to earn... I've tried everything I can think of, but I am so lost that I'm unsure of what I could do.

I hate being dependent of other people, but I hate being so independent that I shut them out as well... Which I fear I may do if I keep being let down by empty promises.

If anyone has any suggestions, whether they be radical or something I'm just overlooking... I would be grateful, indeed I would.

- Kat